Expectations

Expectations for some people is a heavy word. I,personally, buckle under expectations. I cannot handle the pressure. I have discovered a nasty fact about me these past few weeks. I am a people pleaser. Now don't get too excited, I am not an EVERYONE people pleaser. If I don't know you or don't like you - I don't care what you think - good, bad, ugly. However, if I care about you, I want to please. The closer you are to me, the worse it is. Ryan and I went to a marriage conference last weekend. It was a very good conference and we enjoyed the time together. One of the speakers said something that has affected me. He said the difference between who you are and who you want to be is a land called disappointment. Ouch. This is where my struggle comes in - how to you strive to be Christ-like in a dismal, fallen world without losing sight of the fact that we were all born a sinner. I am never going to be perfect, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to be. How do you balance those "expectations" without going overboard? I have always thought it to be a pride issue and I know on some scale it is. Yet, I am now realizing that it is not pride that makes me push to succeed. I want to be a good steward of all the blessings God has given me. I want to be the best at all the things He has called me to be. (Un)Fortunately, He has called me to be a lot of things: wife, mother, teacher, friend, sister, daughter, maid, cook, taxi driver, etc, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure to be called and equipped to do/be all of these things. As I am getting older, I am seeing a direct correlation between my perfectionism and my procrastination. I procrastinate because I cannot do it "perfectly". Over time, I see that turning me into a quitter; giving up because I don't want to be a disappointment. For many years I have said that my tombstone was going to say "She tried" because I really do try. This week I was reading an article about Billy Graham in the paper and it said that Ruth Graham's headstone said: "End of Construction -- Thank you for your patience." I think that is beautiful. When I was in elementary school, I had a red notebook that said "Please be patient, God is not finished with me yet." I loved that notebook (obviously, I am blogging about it 30 years later:)). I guess that is the key, being willing to be patient and willing to be under construction and willing to step over all the mess and take all the detours that construction requires until we are at the "end of construction." How desperately I want to live this life so that I will hear "well done, thy good and faithful servant."