Reflections of the heart...literally

I am going to try to be brief. I am going to talk a little cryptic because I do not want an adoption blog. I cannot conform to the pressure. There is a whole page of "do not do, say, use, etc" that makes me incredibly nervous. Anyway, I haven't shared much just mainly because unfortunately, that is just sort of how I roll. It takes me much longer than most people to process things, much less talking about it. It's no secret that we are adopting. It is no secret that we have been waiting a LONG time! For the most part, I have been very patient. However, now that the holidays are upon us AGAIN it is becoming more and more disheartening. I never, not in my wildest dreams/nightmares did I think we would still be waiting, that we would buy yet another set of gifts for an unknown child we love so much. We are a part of an unofficial list that tells us when the people before us get referrals. Normally, I am so excited when I get the little "ding" on my phone that we have moved up. Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) I woke up to not one, but two "dings" - there had been two referrals on Thanksgiving. I would like to say I was happy for them, but I wasn't. I was MAD. I don't know why, those poor people had been waiting even longer than we have. It just plain aggrivated me. (Not them personally, just the fact that it wasn't us.) I held on to it for days. My reaction/response really bothered me. How selfish could I be - I know it is all in God's time table anyway. Alexa says it must really take a long time to find a Nemitz! In my quiet time this week, I have really been praying that God would not allow me to be angry. That my heart would understand it takes a long time to make/find a Nemitz and the He doesn't make mistakes in His placement. My head knows all of this, my heart not so much. Earlier in the week I was reading in Matthew ch 9 vs 37 "Then He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.'" This verse did nothing but fuel my anger. From my perspective, in the adoption world, the harvest is plentiful and the workers are plentiful if there just was not so much red tape! I remember my friend Christy saying this same thing when her family was in the process of applying to become missionaries. They were doing all they could to sign up to be a worker but were being discouraged at every turn.
The next quiet time reading again in Matthew "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Emphasis mine) Gentle and humble - not the top two adjectives people would use to describe me. Okay, okay, I hear. Then, yesterday's lesson: "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." I am forever telling my kids that when your heart is sqeezed, whatever comes out was already in there - it was not caused by the event. I was already building anger and frustration in my heart without even really being aware of it. When my heart was squeezed by the news of the referral the nastiness that was already in there, came squeezing out. Not pretty, I'm just being honest. So, all day today, I have been reflecting on the fact that "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks". Oh, how true. I want the overflow of my heart to be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenss and self-control. Once that is the overflow of my heart, my words will follow. A challenge for sure, but He says it so I believe it!

Thankfulness

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed by thankfulness that I could just burst. This weekend was one of those times. It came on sort of sudden, makes me fight moments of extreme weepiness. Saturday, Alexa and Emily both had friends over. The older girls were sort of lamenting that they were unsure of what they wanted to do. They are both on a pretty tight budget and wanted good, clean, cheap fun. We were all coming up with nothing. So, we decided to play kickball. We went outside and divided the teams 4 -4. We played kickball until it was almost to dark to see the ball. We were pretty evenly matched - the scored ended in a tie. Then we came in to eat supper and decided to have a bonfire. During supper, Alexa decided she would like to play murder - her all time favorite game. So, we played a couple of rounds of murder then went outside to the bonfire. I was sitting there listening to the chatter going on, looking at the stars, watching the fire, sipping hot cocoa, listening to a few play on a rope swing in the barn and that is when it hit me - that overwhelming gratitude. I am just going to be a nerd and say for probably the 9millionth time: I love my house. Almost six years ago, when we first began building, we would come over to our "land" and have picnics and just hang out. Every single time, it was calming to me, peaceful. The feeling has never left. I know that it is not really the house, that it is the home we have made but I am still extremely grateful. A couple of days before closing, I remember being so fearful that something would happen and our house wouldn't really be our house. Ryan thought I was crazy. I just remember feeling like it was too big of a blessing. Early on, we were committed to using it for His glory. I hope that we have pleased Him with our efforts. I will forever be in awe of the many, many blessings He has bestowed on me that I do not even come close to deserving. I know at the end of the day, even as much as the kids laugh at me over my "love" for our house - they know what it means to be thankful - for both the house and the One who built it.

A long, long day

This morning started out like any other hectic, crazy, "normal" Wednesday. Owen had biology at NLC, we had plans to see the Rembrandt exhibit at the NC Art Museum, Owen had gym, other kids had church. Like normal, I had taken the younger kids to the library while we waited for Owen to be done with Biology. I always put my phone on vibrate while we are there. Normally, they bring more "seatwork" type activities but because of the rest of our day, I decided to bring our Tapestry that I read aloud to them. We were sitting on the chair couch reading about Greek mythology when I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at my phone and I had 2 missed calls and 8 text messages. Already wondering what in the world, I press the button and see Emily had texted that ECU was on lockdown. Ryan had tried to call me when he got the same text - knowing that sort of information could send me straight to "freak out" mode. I have to say I did have the need to get out of the library. I was telling Ryan where to look on the website for alerts and such and Emily was still texting me. At that time, nothing was on any of the news stations yet. My mind was in a whirlwind. I was trying to be careful of what I said, I didn't want to upset the younger ears listening to everything I was saying. I remember thinking "this is crazy" and "once again, I have zero control." I had 10,000 thoughts running through my mind all at once. She was still able to text me that she was safe and that she could hear the police men, hear the helicopters, but had not seen anything / heard anything like gunfire. She was getting all sorts of texts from people who had "heard" what was going on. None of it true. Turns out that the man that had been seen with a rifle headed toward campus was actually a man with a large umbrella sticking out of the top of his backpack. Along the way, Emily was no longer able to send out texts. She finally called just as we were getting placed into our groups at the art museum. People were giving me all sorts of evil looks but there was no way I was not going to take that call. As quick as my mind went to fear with the first call/text, my mind went to relief when I heard Emily's voice and her telling me that campus had been given the "all clear". I remember vividly watching the coverage of Columbine and Virgina Tech. However, I am ashamed to say, I didn't pay much attention to UNC Wilmington's report of a gunman on campus earlier this week. I remember thinking "oh that's terrible" and I may have said a quick prayer but I can assure you, that will never be my response again. I have to say that waiting for the news of what was going on was the longest three hour wait of my existance. Being at the media's mercy, away from home, is not a good place to be. My fingernails are currently nubs - a habit I had given up long, long ago! In college, I observed a study that tried to learn the endorphins your brain emitted after a stresful situation: a near-miss car wreck, a fight with a loved one, being frightened, etc. Let me tell you, I felt the after effects. It is funny that I haven't thought about that study for years until I realized my neck was hurting, my head had a dull ache and I could severely use a nap. When I met back up with Ryan tonight is very first comment was "what a day!" Selfishly, I was glad he was feeling the after effects as well - it made me and my reactions somewhat "normal". I am thankful that I serve a big God who is in control of all things. I am also thankful that today the "gunman" was really just a man carrying an odd umbrella.

A little perspective

When my first set of kids were little (we have decided we have eras - the Emily/Owen era and then the Alexa/Ian era)we almost always had some family chapter book going on. However, over time, with school pressures and outside activities increasing, it became something we did less and less. When Emily was in the 9th grade we began Tapestry of Grace. TOG is a lovely curriculum but has lots, and lots, and lots of reading! While we were all reading books on the same topic, we were not reading the same book and Ryan was left out. I have been praying and praying for some way to help Alexa see and understand how some people can/are called to the mission field. Recently, I came across a blog about a blog about a young girl in Uganda. The blog was promoting a book that this amazing young woman had written. I had a gift certificate to a local Christian bookstore and I went that day to pick up the book. I was thinking it would be a great time for Alexa and I to read this book together. However, after I got home, I read the forward and introduction of the book. I decided it would benefit us all to read it. So, for the past two weeks, each night at bedtime I have read a chapter out loud. We have had to be diligent, we have had to make sacrifices (yes, sometimes I am beginning the chapter at 10:00pm). I have to say it has been one of the best things we have done in a long, long time. The book itself is fascinating but the discussion that is taking place within our family is amazing. Last year as a Christmas gift to our children, we adopted a girl through Compassion International. The girl we chose lives in Uganda with her grandmother and 12 brothers and sisters. We pay for her to go to school, pay for her school supplies and uniform, and for her to have lunch while she is there. In her book, "Kisses from Katie" Katie Davis explains how she realizes how important school is to these children and how little American money it would take to send these children to school. "Less than most Americans spend on extra weekend money." How awesome to know we have a hand in helping a child like she discribes in the book. Several of Emily's friends have been to Uganda, we have seen the pictures, we have seen the land, the children, the poverty. We got online earlier today and looked through some of their pictures. People we know, affected just like in the book. We have another friend who is in Uganda right now. Living, working among the people we are reading about each night. It has brought Uganda into our world in a powerful way. It is amazing to me that we have known all of this but not connected it all together quite as powerfully as we are now. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to share all of this with my children. That they will be exposed to mission, poverty, orphans at such a young age, an acute awareness of what is going on in the world around them. I have found myself praying for Katie's parents almost as much as I pray for Katie. To be the parent of a child being willing to give up everything for the cause of Christ has to be a mixture of contradicting emotions. I am thankful she was called, I am thankful she decided to share her story.

Thoughts on Tim Tebow

I will say I compared to Justin Bieber, I know even less about Tim Tebow. However, I did meet his mother last year. She was speaking at a conference in MS. Owen and I were there for a gymnastics meet. We talked briefly on the escalator. I didn't know who she was until I saw her face on the poster announcing her session. Oh, the things I would have asked, had I known. Probably a good thing I didn't. The thing that has recently drawn my attention to Tim Tebow was an article I read by Fox News. I wish I could be techno savvy enough to give a link (wish being the operative word there). Anyway, this self-proclaim secular writer was pointing out how intense the dislike for Tim Tebow is. Apparently, after doing something good at/in football, he goes down on one knee - it has become known as te-bowing. Recently, sometime during a game, a few "teammates" mocked him and his bowing. This article was stating that he wondered what would happen if he had been bowing to Mecca. If he had been Muslim and were to be made fun of on national television, there would be **** to pay. But, because he was a Christian, bowing to the the One true God, the mockery was allowed, even encouraged. Then, the author when on to suggest that the reason for his intense dislike is that people have been waiting for him to fall. Waiting for him to do something to make him a hypocrite. He has been in the national spotlight for the past 5 years, they are still waiting. Instead of giving him an "atta boy" they dislike him, intensely. Then the author goes one more step and says, "why him?" There are lots of athletes that call themselves Christians, that thank God for their victories. The difference is how they live during the week, during the off-season, during their "time off". The major difference I see is the practicing of a religion vs a relationship. As a Christian, if you have a relationship with Christ, you have it all the time. Sometimes, even when you don't want too. In opposition, if you merely have religion, it is easy to put it on and off as needed/wanted. As a parent, I want to send him a letter, I want to say "atta boy", I want to say I appreciate the example you are setting for my athletic boys, I want to say I know persecution is tough and it's lonely, I want to say it means that the world has taken notice, I want to say I will pray for you to stay strong. That young man has unbelievable pressure on him. Pressure in football, pressure to not fail, while those around him are secretly (and some not so secretly) are hoping he does, pressure to continue to allow his actions to be just as loud as his words. I may not know much about Tim Tebow and football, in general. However, I know he inadvertently picked up a fan. I will be watching, I will be praying.

Bieber Fever?

Luckily, I don't know much about Justin Bieber. I could identify one of his songs, I know he was a you tube sensation, he dates Selena Gomez, he is from Canada, and he had some hair thing going on. Until last week, that was all I knew and way more than I needed to know about him. However, I have been sucked into Beiber Fever. I cannot stop reading about the 20 year old woman that has accused him of fathering a baby. When that caption came across my internet screen, my thoughts were: 1)no way, he is just a little kid (I prefer to believe 16 year old kids are innocent and not capable of fathering children), 2)where were his parents 3)how could you just claim something like that 4)Bill Clinton. I know, crazy thoughts. At first, I saw he was refusing a DNA test. Why? Why would you not let them swab your mouth and be done with it? I get the whole invasion of privacy, etc. but hello, clearing your name, proving your innocence? I guess that is what sent me to the Bill Clinton thoughts. How could you vehemently say you are innocent, knowing the whole time you are guilty? I am glad to see that he has agreed to the paternity test and then plans to sue her. I was reading today that this sort of thing happens ALOT to celebrities. That is just a crazy, crazy thought to me. It is so easily disproved / proved. I think people have truly gone madd. I am grateful there are celebrities. I love a good tv show, a great movie, etc. but for most of them, I feel very, very sorry for. I could not imagine me, my family, the people I care about being hounded by the media, constantly portrayed in the news, etc. I hope, for his sake, for teens all across America's sake, that he really is as innocent in the matter as he says he is. One thing about it, the truth almost always comes out in the end.

Thanksgiving Project(s)

This past Saturday a rare thing happened in our household: I didn't have anywhere I had to go on a Saturday. Of course, it happened by accident so it wasn't like I could prepare or plan a project ahead of time. Owen was sick and Ian's football pictures were cancelled due to the rain. Anyway, I found myself with several hours of "nothing" to do. I sort of laughed at us as we all (except for Owen who didn't move off of the couch) just roamed around. I decided that my picture boxes needed some organization. I am a scrapbook wanna-be. Yet a complete failure at it. I do not have one single album. However, I do have a container labeled for each year and each event is in a baggie in chronological order. (Supposedly to help myself just grab a bag to complete a page.) Due to digital cameras, I had fallen behind on my "baggie" style picture filing. I also have every ticket stub, wrist band, invitation, playbill, newspaper article etc. for my said scrapbooks. These items had gotten just stuffed into a larger container and were all over the place. Nothing brings out my nostalgia worse than pictures. My kids love pictures as well. I dream about them sitting around, us all looking through my wonderful albums laughing and reminising together. Luckily for me, they are just has happy looking through the labeled baggies and are quite proficient at putting them back.
Anyway, on to the point, as I was organizing the scrapbook stuff, I came across each of my kid's Thanksgiving projects. I am such a Kindergarten teacher. To celebrate Thankgsving for each of my children's Kindgarten year, we made a Thanksgiving turkey. We cut out thousands (not really but close to 100) construction paper feathers that said "I am thankful for..." Then weeks before Thanksgiving we mailed the feathers to family and special friends. I have the feathers from all 4 kids turkeys. I have the sweet notes friends and family sent back with their feathers. As I was reading the feathers it was fun to see the overlap, the change in priorties as the years went by. Then, I got even more nostalgic. I have a limited amount of things that I did consitently with each of them. Will I remember to help our new baby make a Thanksgiving Turkey? Will I save each little piece of paper? Then, I thought "get over yourself - of course you will - you already have a baggie labeled 'Thanksgiving project' - what else could you possibly put in there?" Then I had a good laugh at myself and decided that a cold rainy Saturday was not the day to sort all of my prized possessions. I am sure one day, my kids are going to wonder why I saved all of this stuff, and then, with a laugh, they will remember...

Goals vs Desires

Recently, at a meeting I attended, we were given a sheet labeled goals vs desires. I had never really given much thought to a difference between the two. In my mind, you work hard enough toward your goal and gain the desired effect. However, as I am getting older/wiser, I am learning more and more that this is not the case. The worksheet labeled a goal as an objective under my control - depending upon my willingness. A desire as a legitimate yearning for certain responses from others - but for something which is out of my control. A desire can't be reached by my efforts alone. These two definitions popped my balloon. The worksheet went on further to say that the appropriate response to a desire is prayer; the appropriate response to a goal is proper action. Goals are related to the fulfillment of our basic need - desires are not. Our heart must never be set on reaching desires. We often make the mistake of praying for goals and trying to assume responsibilities for desires. Problems arise when desires become goals.
It is no secret that I am a goal oriented person. Like I said, I have never given much thought to the differences between goals and desires. Yet, I found this information to be profound. Adoption has taught me a lot of things. One of the lessons that I am currently learning is that it can be my goal to adopt. My part of that would be what is under my control - the paperwork, the follow-up, the monetary obligation, etc. I definitely desire to adopt. Desiring adoption is the epitome of this definition of desire; something that is out of my control. A desire cannot be reached by my efforts alone. I know that I serve a big God. I know that if it is His will for us to have a child, we will. I know that nothing can stop or stall His timetable. I have to be willing to do my part; no more, no less. I guess that is my new goal...