I am going to try to be brief. I am going to talk a little cryptic because I do not want an adoption blog. I cannot conform to the pressure. There is a whole page of "do not do, say, use, etc" that makes me incredibly nervous. Anyway, I haven't shared much just mainly because unfortunately, that is just sort of how I roll. It takes me much longer than most people to process things, much less talking about it. It's no secret that we are adopting. It is no secret that we have been waiting a LONG time! For the most part, I have been very patient. However, now that the holidays are upon us AGAIN it is becoming more and more disheartening. I never, not in my wildest dreams/nightmares did I think we would still be waiting, that we would buy yet another set of gifts for an unknown child we love so much. We are a part of an unofficial list that tells us when the people before us get referrals. Normally, I am so excited when I get the little "ding" on my phone that we have moved up. Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) I woke up to not one, but two "dings" - there had been two referrals on Thanksgiving. I would like to say I was happy for them, but I wasn't. I was MAD. I don't know why, those poor people had been waiting even longer than we have. It just plain aggrivated me. (Not them personally, just the fact that it wasn't us.) I held on to it for days. My reaction/response really bothered me. How selfish could I be - I know it is all in God's time table anyway. Alexa says it must really take a long time to find a Nemitz! In my quiet time this week, I have really been praying that God would not allow me to be angry. That my heart would understand it takes a long time to make/find a Nemitz and the He doesn't make mistakes in His placement. My head knows all of this, my heart not so much. Earlier in the week I was reading in Matthew ch 9 vs 37 "Then He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.'" This verse did nothing but fuel my anger. From my perspective, in the adoption world, the harvest is plentiful and the workers are plentiful if there just was not so much red tape! I remember my friend Christy saying this same thing when her family was in the process of applying to become missionaries. They were doing all they could to sign up to be a worker but were being discouraged at every turn.
The next quiet time reading again in Matthew "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Emphasis mine) Gentle and humble - not the top two adjectives people would use to describe me. Okay, okay, I hear. Then, yesterday's lesson: "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." I am forever telling my kids that when your heart is sqeezed, whatever comes out was already in there - it was not caused by the event. I was already building anger and frustration in my heart without even really being aware of it. When my heart was squeezed by the news of the referral the nastiness that was already in there, came squeezing out. Not pretty, I'm just being honest. So, all day today, I have been reflecting on the fact that "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks". Oh, how true. I want the overflow of my heart to be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenss and self-control. Once that is the overflow of my heart, my words will follow. A challenge for sure, but He says it so I believe it!
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