New Traditions

I am a sucker for traditons. If nothing else, my kids should have a plethera of "we used to do..." or "remember when we..." This has been a year of transition for us. We are still working out what traditions are important irregardless of who is at home or will be participting vs. those that we MUST do together as a family. One thing we normally do as a part of our advent study is to put walnuts/pebbles into a jar. As I mentioned in a previous post, not much of that has been done this year. The purpose of this excercise is to discover what the walnuts (the most important things) are for each person. We discovered early on that if we put the walnuts in first, the pebbles (smaller less significant things) will always fit. It is a good focus on our priorities. It also helps us to stay focused on things each of us deem important during this holiday season. A few weeks ago my dad mentioned that a new ice stating rink had opened up downtown. I went to the website and gathered information. We decided to go on a Tuesday because 1)Owen doesn't have gym on Tuesdays and 2) it is buy one get one free night. Once we got into the car, I informed them that this was a "no whine, no fuss" event. I have to say, even the kids agreed, we had a glorious time. We haven't done something like that in a long, long time. We were way past due. The kids even humored me and let me take all kinds of pictures. We skated, went and ate dinner, then skated some more. I think it has definitely made the "to do again" list. We had ten million things we could have been doing - yet I know it was a walnut, even without doing the visual exercise!

Looking back...

Yesterday, we had our first family Christmas gathering for the 2011 season. As we were driving home, Ryan and I were talking about something when I realized that we graduated from ASU 17 years ago yesterday. I don't know what made me think of it. It is crazy to realize that 17 years have passed. We were so excited. Ryan had his first "real" job interview the week before. We had gone, looked around the town, found a place to live, etc. We graduated on Sunday and then moved all of our stuff in on Monday. Then, went "home" to celebrated Christmas with our families. Crazy times. When we got back to Hendersonville, Ryan started immediately with tax season hours. Emily and I had to discover the town on our own. That was WAY before google maps and/or GPS, even cell phones really. I would have to call a place and ask for directions. They would say something like "well, go down road such and such and turn where Bobby's tire USED to be" (Umm, if I knew where Bobby's tire USED to be, I probably wouldn't need directions!) It is amazing to look back and see how far we have come as a couple, as parents, as a family. God has blessed us more than we could have ever imagined.

Stocking hung by the chimney with care....

Umm, nope. Well, yes, they are hung. On a bare mantel, over a broken nativity. I have my candle holders out - the same ones I have used since 1998. Empty, with no candles. I have two boxes of "stuff" Ryan keeps begging to put back up into the attic "you only have a week" he keeps telling me. Here's the thing - I love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas. Giving gifts is one of my most favorite things on the planet to do. However, I don't like gift giving to just get a check mark or to cross some one's name off of the list. I love all of the decorations. I have already mentioned my insane love for my house - it triples seeing it all lit up (or partially lit) Christmas lights. I love sitting around our crazy tree - our ornaments tell a life story (several, in fact) rather than a color-coded Martha Stewart type tree. I love reading all of the Christmas books (which haven't even been gotten down out of the attic.) In years past, I would wrap and number all of the books so that was our "countdown" for Christmas. I am pretty sure Alexa and Ian have never even heard some of these stories. And do you know what, for right now, I am okay with that. The crazy thing is, I am okay with the fact that my candle holders are empty (for now), that two strands of the icicle lights are out, that my nativity set needs even more hot gluing. I am not feeling the pressure "you only have a week". My mind is hearing/saying "you have a week." Now, next week, I may be crying a different song but for now, I'm good. Two years ago, Ryan and I took a weekend trip away to Christmas shop. It was one of the best things we have ever done. We went to a deserted Bed and Breakfast and stayed in the "Love Shack" cabin! I didn't even want to stay there because of such a cheesy name. However, it was the one with the special and it turned out to be a lovely cabin. I had my list and we shopped by day and stayed in the "love shack" by night (are you singing the B-52s song about now - it happened every single time!) Anyway, last year I was back on my own and I didn't like it. So, this year, I am not getting a weekend away but I am getting a day. Ryan has taken the whole day off tomorrow and we are leaving at daybreak and not coming home until we are done. I have my lists, my store plans, and my list of things "to discuss". I think that is why I cannot sleep, I am so excited! Ryan, not so much, but he is being a good sport about it. Then, next week, I have several activities planned for the kids and for us as a family to get us mentally ready for Christmas. I've got a week, I'll be ready!

Reflections of the heart...literally

I am going to try to be brief. I am going to talk a little cryptic because I do not want an adoption blog. I cannot conform to the pressure. There is a whole page of "do not do, say, use, etc" that makes me incredibly nervous. Anyway, I haven't shared much just mainly because unfortunately, that is just sort of how I roll. It takes me much longer than most people to process things, much less talking about it. It's no secret that we are adopting. It is no secret that we have been waiting a LONG time! For the most part, I have been very patient. However, now that the holidays are upon us AGAIN it is becoming more and more disheartening. I never, not in my wildest dreams/nightmares did I think we would still be waiting, that we would buy yet another set of gifts for an unknown child we love so much. We are a part of an unofficial list that tells us when the people before us get referrals. Normally, I am so excited when I get the little "ding" on my phone that we have moved up. Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) I woke up to not one, but two "dings" - there had been two referrals on Thanksgiving. I would like to say I was happy for them, but I wasn't. I was MAD. I don't know why, those poor people had been waiting even longer than we have. It just plain aggrivated me. (Not them personally, just the fact that it wasn't us.) I held on to it for days. My reaction/response really bothered me. How selfish could I be - I know it is all in God's time table anyway. Alexa says it must really take a long time to find a Nemitz! In my quiet time this week, I have really been praying that God would not allow me to be angry. That my heart would understand it takes a long time to make/find a Nemitz and the He doesn't make mistakes in His placement. My head knows all of this, my heart not so much. Earlier in the week I was reading in Matthew ch 9 vs 37 "Then He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.'" This verse did nothing but fuel my anger. From my perspective, in the adoption world, the harvest is plentiful and the workers are plentiful if there just was not so much red tape! I remember my friend Christy saying this same thing when her family was in the process of applying to become missionaries. They were doing all they could to sign up to be a worker but were being discouraged at every turn.
The next quiet time reading again in Matthew "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Emphasis mine) Gentle and humble - not the top two adjectives people would use to describe me. Okay, okay, I hear. Then, yesterday's lesson: "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." I am forever telling my kids that when your heart is sqeezed, whatever comes out was already in there - it was not caused by the event. I was already building anger and frustration in my heart without even really being aware of it. When my heart was squeezed by the news of the referral the nastiness that was already in there, came squeezing out. Not pretty, I'm just being honest. So, all day today, I have been reflecting on the fact that "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks". Oh, how true. I want the overflow of my heart to be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenss and self-control. Once that is the overflow of my heart, my words will follow. A challenge for sure, but He says it so I believe it!

Thankfulness

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed by thankfulness that I could just burst. This weekend was one of those times. It came on sort of sudden, makes me fight moments of extreme weepiness. Saturday, Alexa and Emily both had friends over. The older girls were sort of lamenting that they were unsure of what they wanted to do. They are both on a pretty tight budget and wanted good, clean, cheap fun. We were all coming up with nothing. So, we decided to play kickball. We went outside and divided the teams 4 -4. We played kickball until it was almost to dark to see the ball. We were pretty evenly matched - the scored ended in a tie. Then we came in to eat supper and decided to have a bonfire. During supper, Alexa decided she would like to play murder - her all time favorite game. So, we played a couple of rounds of murder then went outside to the bonfire. I was sitting there listening to the chatter going on, looking at the stars, watching the fire, sipping hot cocoa, listening to a few play on a rope swing in the barn and that is when it hit me - that overwhelming gratitude. I am just going to be a nerd and say for probably the 9millionth time: I love my house. Almost six years ago, when we first began building, we would come over to our "land" and have picnics and just hang out. Every single time, it was calming to me, peaceful. The feeling has never left. I know that it is not really the house, that it is the home we have made but I am still extremely grateful. A couple of days before closing, I remember being so fearful that something would happen and our house wouldn't really be our house. Ryan thought I was crazy. I just remember feeling like it was too big of a blessing. Early on, we were committed to using it for His glory. I hope that we have pleased Him with our efforts. I will forever be in awe of the many, many blessings He has bestowed on me that I do not even come close to deserving. I know at the end of the day, even as much as the kids laugh at me over my "love" for our house - they know what it means to be thankful - for both the house and the One who built it.

A long, long day

This morning started out like any other hectic, crazy, "normal" Wednesday. Owen had biology at NLC, we had plans to see the Rembrandt exhibit at the NC Art Museum, Owen had gym, other kids had church. Like normal, I had taken the younger kids to the library while we waited for Owen to be done with Biology. I always put my phone on vibrate while we are there. Normally, they bring more "seatwork" type activities but because of the rest of our day, I decided to bring our Tapestry that I read aloud to them. We were sitting on the chair couch reading about Greek mythology when I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at my phone and I had 2 missed calls and 8 text messages. Already wondering what in the world, I press the button and see Emily had texted that ECU was on lockdown. Ryan had tried to call me when he got the same text - knowing that sort of information could send me straight to "freak out" mode. I have to say I did have the need to get out of the library. I was telling Ryan where to look on the website for alerts and such and Emily was still texting me. At that time, nothing was on any of the news stations yet. My mind was in a whirlwind. I was trying to be careful of what I said, I didn't want to upset the younger ears listening to everything I was saying. I remember thinking "this is crazy" and "once again, I have zero control." I had 10,000 thoughts running through my mind all at once. She was still able to text me that she was safe and that she could hear the police men, hear the helicopters, but had not seen anything / heard anything like gunfire. She was getting all sorts of texts from people who had "heard" what was going on. None of it true. Turns out that the man that had been seen with a rifle headed toward campus was actually a man with a large umbrella sticking out of the top of his backpack. Along the way, Emily was no longer able to send out texts. She finally called just as we were getting placed into our groups at the art museum. People were giving me all sorts of evil looks but there was no way I was not going to take that call. As quick as my mind went to fear with the first call/text, my mind went to relief when I heard Emily's voice and her telling me that campus had been given the "all clear". I remember vividly watching the coverage of Columbine and Virgina Tech. However, I am ashamed to say, I didn't pay much attention to UNC Wilmington's report of a gunman on campus earlier this week. I remember thinking "oh that's terrible" and I may have said a quick prayer but I can assure you, that will never be my response again. I have to say that waiting for the news of what was going on was the longest three hour wait of my existance. Being at the media's mercy, away from home, is not a good place to be. My fingernails are currently nubs - a habit I had given up long, long ago! In college, I observed a study that tried to learn the endorphins your brain emitted after a stresful situation: a near-miss car wreck, a fight with a loved one, being frightened, etc. Let me tell you, I felt the after effects. It is funny that I haven't thought about that study for years until I realized my neck was hurting, my head had a dull ache and I could severely use a nap. When I met back up with Ryan tonight is very first comment was "what a day!" Selfishly, I was glad he was feeling the after effects as well - it made me and my reactions somewhat "normal". I am thankful that I serve a big God who is in control of all things. I am also thankful that today the "gunman" was really just a man carrying an odd umbrella.

A little perspective

When my first set of kids were little (we have decided we have eras - the Emily/Owen era and then the Alexa/Ian era)we almost always had some family chapter book going on. However, over time, with school pressures and outside activities increasing, it became something we did less and less. When Emily was in the 9th grade we began Tapestry of Grace. TOG is a lovely curriculum but has lots, and lots, and lots of reading! While we were all reading books on the same topic, we were not reading the same book and Ryan was left out. I have been praying and praying for some way to help Alexa see and understand how some people can/are called to the mission field. Recently, I came across a blog about a blog about a young girl in Uganda. The blog was promoting a book that this amazing young woman had written. I had a gift certificate to a local Christian bookstore and I went that day to pick up the book. I was thinking it would be a great time for Alexa and I to read this book together. However, after I got home, I read the forward and introduction of the book. I decided it would benefit us all to read it. So, for the past two weeks, each night at bedtime I have read a chapter out loud. We have had to be diligent, we have had to make sacrifices (yes, sometimes I am beginning the chapter at 10:00pm). I have to say it has been one of the best things we have done in a long, long time. The book itself is fascinating but the discussion that is taking place within our family is amazing. Last year as a Christmas gift to our children, we adopted a girl through Compassion International. The girl we chose lives in Uganda with her grandmother and 12 brothers and sisters. We pay for her to go to school, pay for her school supplies and uniform, and for her to have lunch while she is there. In her book, "Kisses from Katie" Katie Davis explains how she realizes how important school is to these children and how little American money it would take to send these children to school. "Less than most Americans spend on extra weekend money." How awesome to know we have a hand in helping a child like she discribes in the book. Several of Emily's friends have been to Uganda, we have seen the pictures, we have seen the land, the children, the poverty. We got online earlier today and looked through some of their pictures. People we know, affected just like in the book. We have another friend who is in Uganda right now. Living, working among the people we are reading about each night. It has brought Uganda into our world in a powerful way. It is amazing to me that we have known all of this but not connected it all together quite as powerfully as we are now. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to share all of this with my children. That they will be exposed to mission, poverty, orphans at such a young age, an acute awareness of what is going on in the world around them. I have found myself praying for Katie's parents almost as much as I pray for Katie. To be the parent of a child being willing to give up everything for the cause of Christ has to be a mixture of contradicting emotions. I am thankful she was called, I am thankful she decided to share her story.

Thoughts on Tim Tebow

I will say I compared to Justin Bieber, I know even less about Tim Tebow. However, I did meet his mother last year. She was speaking at a conference in MS. Owen and I were there for a gymnastics meet. We talked briefly on the escalator. I didn't know who she was until I saw her face on the poster announcing her session. Oh, the things I would have asked, had I known. Probably a good thing I didn't. The thing that has recently drawn my attention to Tim Tebow was an article I read by Fox News. I wish I could be techno savvy enough to give a link (wish being the operative word there). Anyway, this self-proclaim secular writer was pointing out how intense the dislike for Tim Tebow is. Apparently, after doing something good at/in football, he goes down on one knee - it has become known as te-bowing. Recently, sometime during a game, a few "teammates" mocked him and his bowing. This article was stating that he wondered what would happen if he had been bowing to Mecca. If he had been Muslim and were to be made fun of on national television, there would be **** to pay. But, because he was a Christian, bowing to the the One true God, the mockery was allowed, even encouraged. Then, the author when on to suggest that the reason for his intense dislike is that people have been waiting for him to fall. Waiting for him to do something to make him a hypocrite. He has been in the national spotlight for the past 5 years, they are still waiting. Instead of giving him an "atta boy" they dislike him, intensely. Then the author goes one more step and says, "why him?" There are lots of athletes that call themselves Christians, that thank God for their victories. The difference is how they live during the week, during the off-season, during their "time off". The major difference I see is the practicing of a religion vs a relationship. As a Christian, if you have a relationship with Christ, you have it all the time. Sometimes, even when you don't want too. In opposition, if you merely have religion, it is easy to put it on and off as needed/wanted. As a parent, I want to send him a letter, I want to say "atta boy", I want to say I appreciate the example you are setting for my athletic boys, I want to say I know persecution is tough and it's lonely, I want to say it means that the world has taken notice, I want to say I will pray for you to stay strong. That young man has unbelievable pressure on him. Pressure in football, pressure to not fail, while those around him are secretly (and some not so secretly) are hoping he does, pressure to continue to allow his actions to be just as loud as his words. I may not know much about Tim Tebow and football, in general. However, I know he inadvertently picked up a fan. I will be watching, I will be praying.

Bieber Fever?

Luckily, I don't know much about Justin Bieber. I could identify one of his songs, I know he was a you tube sensation, he dates Selena Gomez, he is from Canada, and he had some hair thing going on. Until last week, that was all I knew and way more than I needed to know about him. However, I have been sucked into Beiber Fever. I cannot stop reading about the 20 year old woman that has accused him of fathering a baby. When that caption came across my internet screen, my thoughts were: 1)no way, he is just a little kid (I prefer to believe 16 year old kids are innocent and not capable of fathering children), 2)where were his parents 3)how could you just claim something like that 4)Bill Clinton. I know, crazy thoughts. At first, I saw he was refusing a DNA test. Why? Why would you not let them swab your mouth and be done with it? I get the whole invasion of privacy, etc. but hello, clearing your name, proving your innocence? I guess that is what sent me to the Bill Clinton thoughts. How could you vehemently say you are innocent, knowing the whole time you are guilty? I am glad to see that he has agreed to the paternity test and then plans to sue her. I was reading today that this sort of thing happens ALOT to celebrities. That is just a crazy, crazy thought to me. It is so easily disproved / proved. I think people have truly gone madd. I am grateful there are celebrities. I love a good tv show, a great movie, etc. but for most of them, I feel very, very sorry for. I could not imagine me, my family, the people I care about being hounded by the media, constantly portrayed in the news, etc. I hope, for his sake, for teens all across America's sake, that he really is as innocent in the matter as he says he is. One thing about it, the truth almost always comes out in the end.

Thanksgiving Project(s)

This past Saturday a rare thing happened in our household: I didn't have anywhere I had to go on a Saturday. Of course, it happened by accident so it wasn't like I could prepare or plan a project ahead of time. Owen was sick and Ian's football pictures were cancelled due to the rain. Anyway, I found myself with several hours of "nothing" to do. I sort of laughed at us as we all (except for Owen who didn't move off of the couch) just roamed around. I decided that my picture boxes needed some organization. I am a scrapbook wanna-be. Yet a complete failure at it. I do not have one single album. However, I do have a container labeled for each year and each event is in a baggie in chronological order. (Supposedly to help myself just grab a bag to complete a page.) Due to digital cameras, I had fallen behind on my "baggie" style picture filing. I also have every ticket stub, wrist band, invitation, playbill, newspaper article etc. for my said scrapbooks. These items had gotten just stuffed into a larger container and were all over the place. Nothing brings out my nostalgia worse than pictures. My kids love pictures as well. I dream about them sitting around, us all looking through my wonderful albums laughing and reminising together. Luckily for me, they are just has happy looking through the labeled baggies and are quite proficient at putting them back.
Anyway, on to the point, as I was organizing the scrapbook stuff, I came across each of my kid's Thanksgiving projects. I am such a Kindergarten teacher. To celebrate Thankgsving for each of my children's Kindgarten year, we made a Thanksgiving turkey. We cut out thousands (not really but close to 100) construction paper feathers that said "I am thankful for..." Then weeks before Thanksgiving we mailed the feathers to family and special friends. I have the feathers from all 4 kids turkeys. I have the sweet notes friends and family sent back with their feathers. As I was reading the feathers it was fun to see the overlap, the change in priorties as the years went by. Then, I got even more nostalgic. I have a limited amount of things that I did consitently with each of them. Will I remember to help our new baby make a Thanksgiving Turkey? Will I save each little piece of paper? Then, I thought "get over yourself - of course you will - you already have a baggie labeled 'Thanksgiving project' - what else could you possibly put in there?" Then I had a good laugh at myself and decided that a cold rainy Saturday was not the day to sort all of my prized possessions. I am sure one day, my kids are going to wonder why I saved all of this stuff, and then, with a laugh, they will remember...

Goals vs Desires

Recently, at a meeting I attended, we were given a sheet labeled goals vs desires. I had never really given much thought to a difference between the two. In my mind, you work hard enough toward your goal and gain the desired effect. However, as I am getting older/wiser, I am learning more and more that this is not the case. The worksheet labeled a goal as an objective under my control - depending upon my willingness. A desire as a legitimate yearning for certain responses from others - but for something which is out of my control. A desire can't be reached by my efforts alone. These two definitions popped my balloon. The worksheet went on further to say that the appropriate response to a desire is prayer; the appropriate response to a goal is proper action. Goals are related to the fulfillment of our basic need - desires are not. Our heart must never be set on reaching desires. We often make the mistake of praying for goals and trying to assume responsibilities for desires. Problems arise when desires become goals.
It is no secret that I am a goal oriented person. Like I said, I have never given much thought to the differences between goals and desires. Yet, I found this information to be profound. Adoption has taught me a lot of things. One of the lessons that I am currently learning is that it can be my goal to adopt. My part of that would be what is under my control - the paperwork, the follow-up, the monetary obligation, etc. I definitely desire to adopt. Desiring adoption is the epitome of this definition of desire; something that is out of my control. A desire cannot be reached by my efforts alone. I know that I serve a big God. I know that if it is His will for us to have a child, we will. I know that nothing can stop or stall His timetable. I have to be willing to do my part; no more, no less. I guess that is my new goal...

Lost

People don't have to know me very long to know that I am a lister AND a check - it - off the list lister. I have struggled with to-do lists most all of my adult life. I could make a "to-do" list with 50 things on it - knowing I couldn't possibly get to all 50. Say I made lots of progress and marked off 35 or so. Those 15 unmarked things would drive me crazy. However, somewhere I came across the general idea (of course I had to tweak it for my own purposes) of keeping a "to do" list notebook. I have never been good a prioritizing today's list, tomorrow's list, next month's list, etc. The concept behind this notebook was that I could date each days "to do" list and mark it off as I got to it. For some reason, this method was working for me. Not only was it working, I was thriving. It didn't matter that I hadn't crossed it off the list - it would be waiting for me the next day. As the pages were all marked off, I either tore them out or if I had notes I needed on it, I would give myself a "completed" stamp. I know, I know, I need therapy. But hold on, it gets worse. This method was working so well for me I went back to Wal-Mart to buy two more notebooks (of different colors of course) to use for my other nagging lists. I had a nice pink one for recording my weight each morning and the foods I had eaten that day. I had gotten a nice black one to record each day's spending habits. (I thought black was a nice, dreary budgety kind of color) and my wonderful "to do" notebook was blue. Do you see the problem? I said WAS! I have LOST my "to do" notebook and I don't even have to say how sick I am over it. It has been two weeks. I have scoured the house, the van, any and every bag I could have possibly used in the past two weeks and it is GONE! Last week of continually looking, I gave up. I told myself I could move on. I decided I would use the pink as my new "to do" list. I decided this because I am trying to be extremely budget conscious and the fact that the notebook was only $2 or the fact that is was almost used up is irrelevant. I tried it for two days. I couldn't do it. So today, I ransacked everything again thinking surely I had just missed it and it was simply lying somewhere waiting for me to come back. That elusive somewhere... I can't let it go - there were things still on the list that I was looking forward to checking them off. "So go buy a new notebook and write them all down again" you say - I can't. I don't remember them. The loss of my "to do" list notebook caused a domino effect. I have not written in my food journal nor my bank journal since it has been lost! So not only have I wasted the $2 of the notebook I lost, I have also wasted the $4 I spent on the other two. I guess my faith in my wonderful system has been shaken. Therapy, I tell you, lots and lots of therapy...

What do we know?

Tonight Alexa began a new activity. It was the first activity she has ever done drop-off style all alone. She has done drop-off style events, even overnight camp away, however; she always had at least one friend with her. This time, the venue was new, the people were new, we didn't know anyone. It was a new experience - for both of us! Afterwards, we had to run some errands and we ran into a 'friend'. Anyway, I was telling her where we had just come from. Her response was "wow, your kids are involved in a lot of things." I often tell my kids that sometimes it is not the words you say but how you say them. This 'friend' said this in a condescending, judgemental sort of way.
As a whole, most of my kids are not involved in much as far as the listing goes. But, when you are one of four, the miles / time involved really adds up. Owen is a gymnast. It is part of his identity. At the height of the season, he spends almost as much time with the guys at the gym as he does his dad. What started as a 45 minute commitment once a week as grown into much, much more. That is what happens; you commit to a sport, you increase in skill and level, obviously over the course of time, the money as well as time increases as well. He has been enrolled in one gym class or another for the past 9 years. That is a long, long time. Through the years, we have discussed if the time, money, effort Owen puts into the gym is worth it. I continually come up with "yes", it is, for so many reasons. Reasons he would probably not appreciate me listing publicly! Last year, Owen hurt his shoulder. It has increasingly become more and more painful. His coach suggested we go ahead and get it checked out. He has done damage to his rotator cuff, something that take time and a lot of therapy to correct. This shoulder injury has been tough. He has been down, he has been disconnected, he has been full of melancholy. I don't know what the Lord has in his future, I don't know if gymnastics may or may not play a role. I just know that, for now, that is where he is supposed to be.
Wondering why I am dwelling on this? I just watched Sara Groves video for the song "I Saw What I Saw." I have watched this video nearly a million times. Okay, not really a million, but definitely 10 - 15 times. Tonight, I as she was singing and I was watching the video, I was so completely broken. The sweet faces, the words on the screen, all of it. Tonight, was just overwhelming. Then, I started wondering, I wonder if anyone ever questioned her mother's motives - asking if she had too many voice lessons, too many piano lessons, too many guitar lessons, etc. How effective would she be traveling the world, singing of God's grace and abundance and bring an awareness like only a person of her stature can? I don't know if any of my children will ever use their gifts and talents for the Lord on a grand "change the world" mass scale. However, it is my prayer that they each have a platform in which they are able to use their gifts and talents as a tool to share the gospel. Those platforms look as different as each of my individual children - none greater or less than the other - just different. So, unless I ask you to continually drive my children to their events, pay for my children's events, or ask your opinion of said events, please, please keep your opinions to yourself!

Integrity

I was on such a roll. I knew this would happen. I dropped blogging from my "normal" routine and months go by. A lot has happened in that month. We went on vacation, we moved a child to college, we started school, we moved a child to college... Oh yeah, I said that already. One day I am going to blog all about this transition. One day ... not yet. However, it has made me notice life. One of the things Emily has been talking about is how hard it is to know people, to really know people. Last week during church I was thinking about this (it really was related to something the pastor said.) We were sitting sort of in the back. I was looking at all the heads in front of me. Some people were listening intently, some were taking notes, some were looking around. It made me start to wonder about them. Why were they there? I will be the first to admit, I am a skeptic. I have known many a "Sunday" Christian. In fact, until my adult years, I would venture to say that I knew way more fake than real. I detest fake. My kids do not understand fake.
This Sunday, I was closer to the front. I didn't have as many heads to look at. However, the pastor said that each year they send out a commitment letter. I commitment letter asking for each member's yearly intended giving. He said that 60% of the congregation mail those letters back with a designated amount yet never send any tithe at all. My mind questions "how could you do that"? Why would you even bother sending the letter back in? Do you kid yourself that they don't really record giving? I understand that things happen but to 60%? That's a lot of people saying one thing and doing another. Now, let me just clarify that I am not perfect, not even close. I just want to be real. I want to be as real on Sunday mornings as I am all during the week. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. Emily is learning the hard lesson that, while it should be and has been for most of her life, integrity is not always a character trait people strive for. This morning, a friend of mine had this quote as her facebook status: "Few things are more infectious than a godly lifestyle. The people you rub shoulders with everyday need that kind of challenge. Not prudish. Not preachy. Just crackerjack clean living. Just honest to goodness, bone-deep, non-hyprocitical integrity" ~ Chuck Swindoll. Now that's what I'm talking about! Imagine what our world would be like if the human race showed that type of integrity. Forget the human race, imagine if all Christians showed that type of integrity. It's definitely a goal worth striving for!

My new Hero

This afternoon I was making my weekly trip to Sam's Club. I had finished my shopping. As I am walking out of the store to my van, this man comes up to me (he looked like a normal man). I thought he was going to ask the time. He had a beach umbrella and something else that apparently he needed to return. Anyway, he came extremely close and says "Girl, you looking fine - you married?" Ummm, excuse me? As I stuttered and stammered that yes, in fact, I was married. He stands there looking at me and I rush off. Anyway, thankfully, I was parked beside a large air conditioning repair vehicle. I hear someone calling "Hot lady" , "Hot lady". I peer around the van to see the man walking through cars looking, apparently, for me. The hatch is broken on the back of my van, so it is very difficult to load groceries into the back, forget doing it quickly or inconspicuously. I am already thinking through my assault pattern if he approached me again. You would see me on the 6 o'clock news assaulting a man with his own beach umbrella. The man was getting closer, still calling out, when a UPS guy came down by the car. I call him over, explain my dilemma. So, he graciously stood there and held open my hatch while looking out for the crazy man. Eventually, he gave up and went into the store. I apologized to the man for stopping him. The crazy thing is, he looked more "scary" than the man that approached me, yet he brought me great comfort. After I got into my car and the UPS man took my cart, I wondered if I should have gone into Sam's to report him or something. He hadn't actually done anything, just made me extremely uncomfortable and I am not generally spooked. If he really wasn't crazy, I wonder if he gets many positive responses from that type of tactic. And if he does, what does what type of person could/would respond favorably. How on earth could that be viewed as flattery? I also couldn't get over how boldatious he was. It was 8:00, still very much daylight, in a semi-crowded parking lot. I have come to the conclusion that creepy, stalkerish men creep me out! Ryan said I could do a new commercail for UPS: "What can brown do for you!"

Melancholy

I am feeling a bit melancholy today. I am a slave to my checklist. It is nearly the end of summer and none of the "important" things have been checked off my list. In years past, summer has been an incredibly productive time for me. I don't know what has happened the past two summers. I had a large list of things I wanted to "catch up" on for school, some home repairs/rearranging, and some painting projects that needed my attention. Not to mention some serious deep cleaning. During the summer I usually take down and wash all of my curtains, blinds, windows, and artifical plants. So far, I have only done about half. On days like today, I regret putting in all of these windows! However, the largest untouchable on my list has been school. I am stuck. We didn't quite finsh up, wrap up, put away at the end of the year as we normally do. We had an extreme schedule for May/June. Normally a busy time, we added prom, graduation and an extreme testing schedule that lasted until the end of June. All of that left me just pooped. Slowly, I have been cleaning off Emily's shelves. I took down the table in the school room because she was the only one who used it. I am having a hard time figuring out what I want school to look like. I have one who will be beginning 9th grade. Then, I have two that will be 4th & 5th. The span seems increasingly huge. I feel more confident coming into high school this time than I did first time around. But still uncertain with so many details. I know that I am not supposed to have all the answers. I just like it better when I do. :) I have decided that either I am an extreme procrastinator (yes, I know I am) or I really do prefer to just cram at the last minute. I know that at the 11th hour, I will have school ready. So, for now, I am just going to continue to focus on the "want to" of my to do list - extreme cleaning bathrooms, cleaning out closets, under beds, washing linens, etc. All the things that make it easier for me to do/plan school. Twisted, I know. I am sure there is a therapy group out there somewhere... Oh well, until then, closets - here I come!

See you soon, then

In the book/movie Dear John (I do not endorse the movie nor the book - if fact, it is one of my least favorites)the main character and her soldier do not say "goodbye" they say "See you soon, then". This weekend we said "goodbye" to some very dear friends. Throughout our married life, we have only had a handful of couples that we were "couple" friends with - friends that I like the wife as much as Ryan liked the husband and vice versa. Maybe "like" is the wrong word, but hopefully, you know what I mean. Anyway, the Campbell's and the Nemitz's forged a friendship way back in 1999/2000 in a young married Sunday School class. Christy and I bonded in our neurotics with child-rearing, education and our passion for children (aka - strong opinions in how that should be done). I think Ryan and Ryan bonded out of sheer necessity of that kindred spirit in the "see what I live with" category. Anyway, Ryan and Christy moved away to Greensboro. After that, we would meet up each year at the Homeschool conference at The Downtown Deli and catch up. They had two more kids, we had two more kids. We would share pictures and "what's going ons". Then, they moved again and we lost touch. That is until the Children's Pastor at Faith felt lead to a different direction and his parting words were : "You remember Ryan Campbell? He would be a great fit for Faith." And presto a friendship was reborn. Now we knew the foursome was a good fit, but who knew our kids would come to care so deeply for one another. Emily and Abby - older sisters extraordinaire, Lizzy & Alexa - two peas in a pod, Ian & Isaac - two little old men in young boy's body, even Abe & Owen- twins separated at birth. Lilly was the only one without a match and she fit nicely into whichever group/pairing she felt compelled to join. We vacationed together, we schooled together, we did life together. Now they are moving on to the next chapter of their lives. We met yesterday to say our final "see you laters". I moved a lot as a child. Back in those days, just moving across town made you lose all connections with former classmates/friends/neighbors. However, now that is not the case, friends are no further away than a click of a button. Due to technology, the Nemitz/Campbell clan can still vacation together, school together, live life together. We just have to be more purposeful and intentional in doing so. I think I finally have Alexa convenced that even though it is not as great as having Lizzie here, having a Skye partner in Africa is VERY cool!


These girls can wear the same outfit on the same day, without even calling one another! We can shop in the same store (at different times, in different states) and they come home with the same outfit! Crazy, I know.


Isaac's third birthday party was the first friend party Ian was ever willing to go to. They have been kindred spirits every sense; quiet and sensible outside the house, wild and crazy inside the house!

These two boys were cut from the same cloth! Two of the most lovable, curious, brightest, strong-willed boys you'll ever meet. God's got great BIG plans for these two!

Back in the Beginning

This morning in church, I was sitting with Owen. We had rearranged our schedule a bit for today and everyone else was in Sunday School. We were singing a song, I don't even remember now what it was and I had this overwhelming thankfulness. I had an overwhelming thankfulness to a man named James Walker. I don't know why at that moment, his face flashed into my mind. He was the pastor at our first real, we are serious about having a grown up, christian life church. The church was huge. We visited there one Sunday and the following Tuesday the Pastor and his wife were knocking on our door. Our house was a DISASTER! They came to the front door (which we never used - only to find out that it was painted shut.) I could go into a whole other post about the condition of that house but I won't. I will just say that now it is a parking lot and leave that at that. Anyway, they came to the door. His sweet wife saw that I was about to die from embarrasement and suggested we sit out on the deck (either that or she was afraid of catching something from my house!) She offered to chase Emily around (she was 16 months at the time) while we sat and talked to James. We were sitting on that back deck and he asked each of us our testimonies. He interrupted Ryan in the middle of his "spill". I say that because Ryan had a rote memory account and said in all sincerity "I don't mean to question you, but are you sure?" No one had ever questioned him before. Needless to say, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I know that eventually we would have gotten to the place God wanted us to be but I am so thankful that He chose to put them in our paths. We learned so much there and met so many wonderful people that had such a huge impact on our lives. This morning, 16 years later, I still feel the effects of the thankfulness that those people were willing to invest in our lives. That they cared enough about us to say "are you sure?" That they could see a bigger, better picture of us 16 years down the road that we couldn't even begin to imagine. It made me challenge myself and my family to ask "who are we investing in?" and "am I doing enough?"

Creating a Legacy

Ryan and I attended a memorial service for a young man this afternoon. He was a 21 year old soldier killed in the line of duty in Iraq. We didn't know him personally but have lots of friends of a friend in common and were members of and involved with the same homeschooling support group. I have never attended an active soldier's funeral. I have been to plenty where they were veterans and were honored. During the service I noticed two things. One - there were lots, I mean lots, of young men and women about his same age that were in the military. A lot of kids within the homeschooling community enlisted in the services. I was thinking about patriotism and how great it is that so many kids can be so passionate about having the honor of protecting our country. As I was thinking about this, I realized that most of these kids would have been somewhere between 10 - 15 when 9/11 happened. The military became up close and personal to America. I was struck with such a series of emotions. So glad that so many of these young people (any people, really) were called to the armed services. At the same time, I am thankful that presently none of my children have that drive. Though I would whole heartedly support them, and be proud of them, I would selfishly want to keep them safe. That thought moved me to my next point (I really was listening as well, I was multi-tasking). Two, we cannot really keep them safe. At the moment, my daughter is getting on an airplane and coming back home. We are driving in a car to go get her. In a matter of months, we will be moving her to a college campus. All of that involves risk. Which brought me to my next thought. What would my legacy be? I would hope that people would say that I am kind, that I care for others, that I am loving & giving but would they know the real reason as to why I strive to do those things? Would they know it is because I so want to hear "Well done" when I get to heaven. Not because of the things I have done, but because I am so unworthy of the price my Savior paid for me. What about my children? What would their legacy be? From all the people who shared it was obvious how much this young man loved life, loved his family, loved to hunt and fish. Then his Pastor got up and shared about his relationship with Christ. About how he cared for others and wanted them to know the same peace he had about where he would be should he end up dying for our country. I am thankful that each of my children have a relationship with godly men that would be able to share how they have seen the fruit of their decision to follow Christ. It is my goal that my children would continue to strive to make positive lasting relationships in the name of Christ for the rest of their lives. What is your legacy?

Dietary Changes

If you were to ask me if we had poor eating habits, I would so no. We are not as super healthy as some not nearly as bad as some others. I would say we fall somewhere in the middle. However, for the past several weeks, we (I) have been trying to make some subtle changes in our diet. I am not home enough to go all out - no processed food, no sugar, etc. But I wanted to make just a few changes - no juice, no soda & no sweetened cereals. Just overall, cut down on carbs & sugar. No absolutes, just cut back. Oh my goodness. I had no idea people under my charge would buck me at every turn. I had no idea that sugar is snuck into so many things! Drinking mainly water has been one of the biggest complaints. My kids don't drink soft drinks very often, but they would drink koolaid & juice 90% of the time. In addition to this, we started a supplement regimen. The supplements are EXPENSIVE! However, I do feel as though everyone could benefit from the 3 month regimen. The problem is, I have no idea what I am doing. I have read, I have studied, I still come up empty. Some of the things I would consider more "healthy" actually have as many (sometimes more) sugar and carb count than the item I replaced. I don't like unknowns. We are on week three and some days (like today) I think "is it worth it"? How bad could 3 cups of koolaid REALLY be compared to my sanity? Yet, I hear this small voice that reminds myself why I decided to try this in the first place. Really, it is no different than making them do their math, making them clean their room, etc. Oh, but it would be SO much easier! Three weeks down - 9 more to go!

Questions?

I don't know why I bother keeping a blog. I don't really like it. I love, love reading blogs. I just don't enjoy writing them. I don't know why, it seems too personal. Yet, three times in the past few months, I went to delete it but couldn't. I guess I don't really know my purpose. It is not a diary of everyday events. It is not share my thoughts/ideas with the world. Maybe I just thought it would be cool and gave into peer pressure. Several people have asked if I have an adoption blog. No, I don't. Several people have asked me recently if I have a "my journey through homeschooling" blog. Umm, NO. So, I just have a random, hodge podge of a blog; nothing personal, no deep thoughts, no adoption news and/or timelines, no homeschooling journey. Actually, it sort of fits my hodge podge of a life!


I have decided recently that having four kids is hard. I mean hard, hard. I suppose if I was a more laid back sort of mom, it wouldn't be as hard. Here is the thing, for every child we have a different stage and we also have to deal with how that stage affects everyone else and how they are going to respond. For example, Emily has graduated and is about to go off to college. I have several stages going on here: Emily - her stage is preparing to leave home 2)How everyone else responds & reacts to her leaving home. I am always afraid that I am not giving someone something they need. The more clingy they get, the more suffocated I feel. Alexa is in a needy, needy stage. Yesterday, we were in Sam's club and I think she touched me, rubbed me, patted me at least 50 times. I know this because every time she did, she shocked me. Literally. Alexa's touch limit is 5,000, mine is 2. Now, I came home exhausted and ready to be alone. Yet, the minute I sit down, two more are sitting nearly on my head. I am not naive. I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I also know, firsthand, that these stages are not going to last forever. Pouring yourself out day after day, is hard. Yet, I know that is what I am called to do. I am reminded time & time again of the first women's bible study I went to as a stay-at-home mom. The first day she had us make aprons so that we could remember whom it was we truly served. That I serve Him by serving my family. I often have trouble turning my brain off when it is time to go to sleep. I read somewhere that if you read one verse and meditate on that while trying to sleep, it would help keep my brain more focused. I loaded this nifty tool on my "smart" phone to help me. Last night, my verse was Matthew 20: 26 - 27: "But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave." Coincidence? I think not.

Mother's Day

The Girl I Used to Be
by Rowena K. Lewis Copyright 1997.
She came tonight as I sat alone, the girl I used to be.
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye, and questioned reproachfully:
Have you forgotten the many plans and hopes that I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame, all the wonderful things to do?
Where it the mansion of stately height, with all of its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you, and the jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke, I was very sad, for I wanted her pleased with me.
This slender girl from the shadowy past, the girl that I used to be.
So gently rising, I took her hand, and guided her up the stair
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay, innocent, sweet, and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems, and precious they are to me;
That silken robe is my motherhood, of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love, and the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls, for the dear ones who come and go.
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest, she smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw that the woman that I am now, pleased the girl that I used to be.
I read this poem on earlier today and I been reflecting on it all evening. I don't know very many women whose childhood career aspirations were to be a "mommy". While I don't doubt that motherhood may have been in the back of their minds, it was to be a "mommy" AND a ... For most of my childhood, I never had a clear "this is what I want to be". Sure like every other girl, I wanted to be a ballerina, a lawyer, circus performer but never a mother. Then God changed my plans (and thankfully my heart)and allowed me the blessing of children. Being a mother is hard. Being a "good" mother is even harder. I know that there will be woman all throughout my life who do not understand the choices I have made. Investing all I have in the lives of my children could not compare with any material things the world or workforce could ever have to offer. Listening to my youngest, most reluctant reader read aloud the Christmas story on Christmas Eve to a roomfull of people, having a person compliment on the character in which your child competed - without knowing he was being watched, having one child with the most tender-heart reach out to those less fortunate around her, having my first born confidently leaving the nest, poising her wings to soar high are gifts that only a mother could truly treasure. While I may not change the world, I know that the world is a better place because my four are in it. I know that the girl I used to be is so grateful that God's plan for me was perfect; better than anything I could have asked for or dreamed about.

Given up

I have to say that I have been thinking a lot about blogging lately. Since my last post was December of 2010, there is proof that I have been thinking and not DOING. I don't know, I have conflicting emotions. I love reading blogs. It gives me an up-close & personal feeling about people I don't even know. My problem is I love reading blogs, not sharing blogs. I think it is a malfunction in my brain. Even as a child, I would write a journal entry, then rip it out and throw it away. I was unsure of my purpose in blogging. I was intimidated by blogs that were affecting the world, that were interactive with people, that had purpose, meaning. However, I still felt I had something to say, to share. While my blog may not be very consistent, while the topics may be scattered to the wind, while it will most likely be full of grammatical and punctuation errors, it is still mine. So, I am not going to give up, I am going to just keep on keeping on.